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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Failure Plain and Simple

I just have to sit here and get this all out before I can lay my head down on my pillow and attempt to sleep. I gave birth to three boys and I was an awesome boy mom. And then I birthed this girl and all I could think was, "Oh crap. What now?"

As much as I love and adore Tuesday, I've never quite grasped the whole girl mom thing. I have never been sure about if this is normal or is my daughter just a nutball and no one is telling me? She has been going the through the teenage change for about a year now even thought she will only turn 13 later this month. We've had the extreme moodiness and pouting and we've had the euphoria too. She's been through a lot this last year too. Her dad and I splitting, moving far from our hometown and friends, new stepdad and two new sisters. But, as Wade pointed out to me tonight, his girls have been through a lot too and they seem to be doing just fine.

I don't say what Tuesday has been through as an excuse for her behavior that brought me to the point of feeling like a complete failure tonight. I just say it because, it's fact. Over the course of the last 8 months since we moved here, Tuesday's ups and downs have caused friction. I've had to remind her of her manners (something I taught her well) and plain common courtesy. She pouts when things don't go her way and she never seems to be happy with what she has.

Now, being a girl and growing up a girl, you'd think I'd remember if her behavior is normal. I don't. Not at all. I'm sure parts of it are and I'm sure parts of it are because I've been a bit lax in my parenting recently. Sometimes, it's just easier to ignore her, roll my eyes and walk away. Apparently, I shouldn't have been doing that.

One of my biggest things and my four kids know this is, "I am your mother. It's my only job. Your behavior is a direct reflection of the job I am doing. Don't ever make me look bad".  I was always the mom who had the best behaved kids in public and most of the time behind closed doors too. My kids had a healthy fear of me. I could give them one look, use my deep voice, or even just count to ONE and they fell in line.

Guess who made me look bad tonight? Right, Tuesday. Rylee told her mother all about Tuesday and how unenjoyable it has become being around her. How she'd rather move back in with Emma than share a room with the girl who sucks the joy out of life. Not exactly Rylee's words but, that's what I got out of it.

Needless to say, I was and still am, very angry. She made me look bad. She broke my one cardinal rule and I've been beating myself up since I found out. I gave her the talking to I should have been giving her all along. I made her cry, I cried out of anger and left her crying "I'm sorry" as I left the room.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I will still be beating myself up for the job I have not been doing. I dread having to be constantly on guard to make sure she is doing her part. I hate being that person. The boys were so much easier and less dramatic. Which reminds me of how much I miss having them be a part of my everyday life.

I have been decorating Tuesday and Rylee's room. I won't anymore. I don't know where this is all going. I don't know if Rylee is going to move back in with Emma. I don't want her to because that will give Tuesday exactly what she wanted but, I don't want to make Rylee stay if she is going to be miserable either. So, I don't know.

However this turns out, I feel like I've failed Rylee, Wade, myself, and Tuesday. And soon enough, I'll run out of tears.