Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Month Long Vacay......

I am so excited. I get to have my husband home with me for a whole month. Wade uses his vacation time all at once. He keeps telling me that I'll be sick of him before the month is over and I keep telling him that he'll be begging  to go back to work by then.

Wade is the kind of man that can barley sit still. He claims to love to sit around and watch TV all day but, as soon as I get comfortable next to him or near him, he's up and has something in mind that *needs* to be done around the house. Or, we will be sitting talking about something we saw on Pinterest that we both liked and he'll say, let's go to Home Depot, we can totally make that. I wonder if *I* will survive the 152 work hours of vacation? I wonder how many things will be accomplished during that time? I wonder how many things I can Pin on Pinterest and actually have in my home by the end of July?

We already started at 7am this morning. We had to make a few adjustments to our bed. 7am? Done! Lol.

It's going to be a fun month.
Thursday, June 20, 2013

Lenton Limoncello

I have always wanted to make Limoncello but never had the opportunity until recently. Wade likes lemons.  I like Lemon Bars. This couldn't be any more perfect, right? I mean really, it's lemon flavored sweet vodka.

My family has so many birthdays in certain months and in those months we have one big combined Birthday Dinner. My mom usually host those at her house. I hosted May Birthday Dinner. What a good excuse to make some Limoncello.

Wade and I started off looking for the best Limoncello recipe. Off to Pinterest we went. We ended up going with a version of Giada de Laurentiis's Limoncello. She has the vodka and lemon peel steeping for four days.  After four days, we made one batch (we doubled our recipe). It was good. Definitely a sipping drink for us. It was really nice over ice.

Here's what our recycled pickle jar filled with lemon peels and vodka looked like. 

After making the first batch, which we enjoyed during my new mother and father in laws visit, we put the remaining amount back into the pantry. We had decided that if it was that good after four days, it must be amazing after 28 days.  It was.

Here it is all bottled and ready to share with our May Birthday's guests.

You can make some too! Here's the recipe, enjoy!

10 lemons
1 (750-ml) bottle vodka
3 1/2 cups water
2 1/2 cups sugar
Using a vegetable peeler, remove the peel from the lemons in long strips (reserve the lemons for another use). Using a small sharp knife, trim away the white pith from the lemon peels; discard the pith. Place the lemon peels in a 2-quart pitcher. Pour the vodka over the peels and cover with plastic wrap. Steep the lemon peels in the vodka for 4 days at room temperature.

Stir the water and sugar in a large saucepan over medium heat until the sugar dissolves, about 5 minutes. Cool completely. Pour the sugar syrup over the vodka mixture. Cover and let stand at room temperature overnight. Strain the limoncello through a mesh strainer. Discard the peels. Transfer the limoncello to bottles. Seal the bottles and refrigerate until cold, at least 4 hours and up to 1 month.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I feel so lost

I woke up this morning already melancholy. I started thinking. Always a huge mistake. One thing led to another and I was thinking about my son, Trevor. He graduates from 8th grade on Thursday and I won't be there. He said he didn't want me there. It was a long time ago but, he said it. I made plans for Travis and Tuesday to go, all the while remembering that he didn't want me to come. It's been almost a year since he said it and I haven't heard from him since. My mom tried to invite me to the graduation party she was throwing him and in the end, I wasn't there. I requested that she not push Trevor into having me there. I think he would have let her invite me but, it would have been to make her happy not because he really wanted me there. And in the end, my whole family was there and I wasn't.

Today, I told my ex that I was upset that I wasn't invited to the graduation and he said I did that to myself. That I had left myself out. So I said I'd see him Thursday and invited myself. Now, I dread going. You see because they don't really want me there. My presence will tarnish his memory and as much as it breaks my heart, I don't want that for him. But, now that I've said I was going to be there, I can't back out. I want my husband with me. I need my husband with me. Having him there with me will be the guarantee that my sons will not speak to me and turn their backs on me. And I am a chicken, I don't want that. My heart can't take it and yet how can I tell the man I love and share my life with that he can't come? I won't do that.

These boys used to be mine. My babies. My allies. They used to love being with me. Talking to me. Laughing with me. And now? Nothing. Tyler texted me today telling me to leave Trevor alone, that he wants nothing to do with me.

How can little boys that I raised and loved so much turn their backs on me? Why? I just don't understand. And then I remember that this wasn't their doing to begin with. They didn't start down this road on their own. They had help. Their Dad. Now, he claims to be be doing his best to get them to want to be a part of my life. I don't know who to believe or really what to do.

We have a lawyer. She's really nice and expensive. She will get Trevor back to me. But at what emotional cost? I will be dried of tears. My body refusing to produce any more and Trevor hating me for "taking him away from his dad". That's not what I want. I don't want to separate them. I just want my share. I just want my baby boy to *want* to call me, to *want* to visit me. That's all.

Wade found this quote online and pinned it to my Pinterest at some point today. I know it's pointed at me and what I'm dealing with today:

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

And so, I counter with this one:

"If God shuts a door,
stop banging on it!
Trust that
whatever is
behind it is not
meant for you"

Which one do I chose? If I go with Wade's, I go to the lawyer and fight for what's rightfully mine. My son's time. Or do I go with mine and let him go, hoping one day he will return to me? Both make sense to me. They do. Both break my heart. I don't know.

I miss my sons. That's all.