This blog has become my venting and crying spot.

I just tried syncing my phone and putting ALL my pictures on my computer and *poof*, gone. Well, not all but, almost all. {Very sad face}.

That's all.

Failure Plain and Simple

I just have to sit here and get this all out before I can lay my head down on my pillow and attempt to sleep. I gave birth to three boys and I was an awesome boy mom. And then I birthed this girl and all I could think was, "Oh crap. What now?"

As much as I love and adore Tuesday, I've never quite grasped the whole girl mom thing. I have never been sure about if this is normal or is my daughter just a nutball and no one is telling me? She has been going the through the teenage change for about a year now even thought she will only turn 13 later this month. We've had the extreme moodiness and pouting and we've had the euphoria too. She's been through a lot this last year too. Her dad and I splitting, moving far from our hometown and friends, new stepdad and two new sisters. But, as Wade pointed out to me tonight, his girls have been through a lot too and they seem to be doing just fine.

I don't say what Tuesday has been through as an excuse for her behavior that brought me to the point of feeling like a complete failure tonight. I just say it because, it's fact. Over the course of the last 8 months since we moved here, Tuesday's ups and downs have caused friction. I've had to remind her of her manners (something I taught her well) and plain common courtesy. She pouts when things don't go her way and she never seems to be happy with what she has.

Now, being a girl and growing up a girl, you'd think I'd remember if her behavior is normal. I don't. Not at all. I'm sure parts of it are and I'm sure parts of it are because I've been a bit lax in my parenting recently. Sometimes, it's just easier to ignore her, roll my eyes and walk away. Apparently, I shouldn't have been doing that.

One of my biggest things and my four kids know this is, "I am your mother. It's my only job. Your behavior is a direct reflection of the job I am doing. Don't ever make me look bad".  I was always the mom who had the best behaved kids in public and most of the time behind closed doors too. My kids had a healthy fear of me. I could give them one look, use my deep voice, or even just count to ONE and they fell in line.

Guess who made me look bad tonight? Right, Tuesday. Rylee told her mother all about Tuesday and how unenjoyable it has become being around her. How she'd rather move back in with Emma than share a room with the girl who sucks the joy out of life. Not exactly Rylee's words but, that's what I got out of it.

Needless to say, I was and still am, very angry. She made me look bad. She broke my one cardinal rule and I've been beating myself up since I found out. I gave her the talking to I should have been giving her all along. I made her cry, I cried out of anger and left her crying "I'm sorry" as I left the room.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I will still be beating myself up for the job I have not been doing. I dread having to be constantly on guard to make sure she is doing her part. I hate being that person. The boys were so much easier and less dramatic. Which reminds me of how much I miss having them be a part of my everyday life.

I have been decorating Tuesday and Rylee's room. I won't anymore. I don't know where this is all going. I don't know if Rylee is going to move back in with Emma. I don't want her to because that will give Tuesday exactly what she wanted but, I don't want to make Rylee stay if she is going to be miserable either. So, I don't know.

However this turns out, I feel like I've failed Rylee, Wade, myself, and Tuesday. And soon enough, I'll run out of tears.

One Of My Fundamental Truths

Whether this is a character flaw or not, I'm not sure. I'd like to think it's one of my few great qualities. Here it is: I treat people the way I want to be treated. And because of that, I'm a helper. A fixer. You have a problem? I will always do what I can to help you fix it or get through it.

When someones world comes crashing down around them, it ceases to matter whether I like or dislike the person, I will do whatever I can to help. Why? Because I would hope that if I were to be in the same position, that person would do the same for me. Is that insanely naive of me? Probably but, It never stops me from doing what I do.

I spent a good part of my first marriage waiting to be treated the way I treated him. It never came. I do and unconsciously treat Wade the way I want to be treated. I love him, care for him, and always have his back. I get the same in return. It's magical and glorious.

Same goes for all of our children. For our kids, that's just what parents do. They fix. But, what if their problems extend to matters out of their reach and/or knowledge? I'm on it. Because I love them. I love them all.

In recent days I've been thanked over and over and even called a saint. I definitely don't think so. All I know is that, if you need me to be there for you, I got your back.

The Month Long Vacay......

I am so excited. I get to have my husband home with me for a whole month. Wade uses his vacation time all at once. He keeps telling me that I'll be sick of him before the month is over and I keep telling him that he'll be begging  to go back to work by then.

Wade is the kind of man that can barley sit still. He claims to love to sit around and watch TV all day but, as soon as I get comfortable next to him or near him, he's up and has something in mind that *needs* to be done around the house. Or, we will be sitting talking about something we saw on Pinterest that we both liked and he'll say, let's go to Home Depot, we can totally make that. I wonder if *I* will survive the 152 work hours of vacation? I wonder how many things will be accomplished during that time? I wonder how many things I can Pin on Pinterest and actually have in my home by the end of July?

We already started at 7am this morning. We had to make a few adjustments to our bed. 7am? Done! Lol.

It's going to be a fun month.

Lenton Limoncello

I have always wanted to make Limoncello but never had the opportunity until recently. Wade likes lemons.  I like Lemon Bars. This couldn't be any more perfect, right? I mean really, it's lemon flavored sweet vodka.

My family has so many birthdays in certain months and in those months we have one big combined Birthday Dinner. My mom usually host those at her house. I hosted May Birthday Dinner. What a good excuse to make some Limoncello.

Wade and I started off looking for the best Limoncello recipe. Off to Pinterest we went. We ended up going with a version of Giada de Laurentiis's Limoncello. She has the vodka and lemon peel steeping for four days.  After four days, we made one batch (we doubled our recipe). It was good. Definitely a sipping drink for us. It was really nice over ice.

Here's what our recycled pickle jar filled with lemon peels and vodka looked like. 

After making the first batch, which we enjoyed during my new mother and father in laws visit, we put the remaining amount back into the pantry. We had decided that if it was that good after four days, it must be amazing after 28 days.  It was.

Here it is all bottled and ready to share with our May Birthday's guests.

You can make some too! Here's the recipe, enjoy!

Ingredients
10 lemons
1 (750-ml) bottle vodka
3 1/2 cups water
2 1/2 cups sugar
Directions
Using a vegetable peeler, remove the peel from the lemons in long strips (reserve the lemons for another use). Using a small sharp knife, trim away the white pith from the lemon peels; discard the pith. Place the lemon peels in a 2-quart pitcher. Pour the vodka over the peels and cover with plastic wrap. Steep the lemon peels in the vodka for 4 days at room temperature.

Stir the water and sugar in a large saucepan over medium heat until the sugar dissolves, about 5 minutes. Cool completely. Pour the sugar syrup over the vodka mixture. Cover and let stand at room temperature overnight. Strain the limoncello through a mesh strainer. Discard the peels. Transfer the limoncello to bottles. Seal the bottles and refrigerate until cold, at least 4 hours and up to 1 month.

I feel so lost

I woke up this morning already melancholy. I started thinking. Always a huge mistake. One thing led to another and I was thinking about my son, Trevor. He graduates from 8th grade on Thursday and I won't be there. He said he didn't want me there. It was a long time ago but, he said it. I made plans for Travis and Tuesday to go, all the while remembering that he didn't want me to come. It's been almost a year since he said it and I haven't heard from him since. My mom tried to invite me to the graduation party she was throwing him and in the end, I wasn't there. I requested that she not push Trevor into having me there. I think he would have let her invite me but, it would have been to make her happy not because he really wanted me there. And in the end, my whole family was there and I wasn't.

Today, I told my ex that I was upset that I wasn't invited to the graduation and he said I did that to myself. That I had left myself out. So I said I'd see him Thursday and invited myself. Now, I dread going. You see because they don't really want me there. My presence will tarnish his memory and as much as it breaks my heart, I don't want that for him. But, now that I've said I was going to be there, I can't back out. I want my husband with me. I need my husband with me. Having him there with me will be the guarantee that my sons will not speak to me and turn their backs on me. And I am a chicken, I don't want that. My heart can't take it and yet how can I tell the man I love and share my life with that he can't come? I won't do that.

These boys used to be mine. My babies. My allies. They used to love being with me. Talking to me. Laughing with me. And now? Nothing. Tyler texted me today telling me to leave Trevor alone, that he wants nothing to do with me.

How can little boys that I raised and loved so much turn their backs on me? Why? I just don't understand. And then I remember that this wasn't their doing to begin with. They didn't start down this road on their own. They had help. Their Dad. Now, he claims to be be doing his best to get them to want to be a part of my life. I don't know who to believe or really what to do.

We have a lawyer. She's really nice and expensive. She will get Trevor back to me. But at what emotional cost? I will be dried of tears. My body refusing to produce any more and Trevor hating me for "taking him away from his dad". That's not what I want. I don't want to separate them. I just want my share. I just want my baby boy to *want* to call me, to *want* to visit me. That's all.

Wade found this quote online and pinned it to my Pinterest at some point today. I know it's pointed at me and what I'm dealing with today:

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

And so, I counter with this one:

"If God shuts a door,

stop banging on it!

Trust that

whatever is

behind it is not

meant for you"

Which one do I chose? If I go with Wade's, I go to the lawyer and fight for what's rightfully mine. My son's time. Or do I go with mine and let him go, hoping one day he will return to me? Both make sense to me. They do. Both break my heart. I don't know.

I miss my sons. That's all.

The New Mrs. Lenton

We Eloped!

It was perfect and what made us happy. Neither Wade nor I are "center of attention" kind of people and the thought of a wedding where excess amounts of attention and personal congratulations would be lavished on us.......well, it's not our favorite. We understand that there are some who may feel slighted or disappointed by our decision but, it's our life and our wedding and it is what it is.

They didn't allow us personal cameras in the little chapel. However, our package came with some photos. It was an agonizing photo shoot and I can't wait to see what equates to Prom poses. So not for public consumption.

We took the kids to Bubba Gumps for "Linner". It was good. We were all tired but so hungry too.

Me and my Dolly

I can't even begin to tell you how happy it makes me that these four get along so well. Poor Travis, every once in awhile he comments, "I went from living with three boys to living with three girls". But, look at them. Tuesday loves herself and taking pictures is her favorite. I find pictures of them like this from time to time. This one makes me happy and look at Emma's face. Haha

Before Bubba Gumps, we took the kids to the Coca Cola store and did the Coke's From Around The World tasting. It's fun, they give you about 20 different samples. Italy's contribution was the grossest of them all and the only one that Tuesday couldn't bring herself to try.

And that's that. It was a one day adventure and we all had a great time. I am the LAST Mrs. Wade Lenton and I am so happy.

Paralyzed By Fear

It's beyond anything I have ever felt before. I can bet big money, no one would ever guess what scares me the most. Spiders? No. The Dark? No. Nothing so easy. I'm scared to parent my two children that live with me. Sad, right? I'm crying right now just thinking of it.

Back when Tyler and Trevor decided they no longer wanted to be a part of my life, I lost two people I never thought would leave me behind. And they have. I text them as often as my heart will allow me to. I try and respect their wishes and keep away. I don't want to alienate them anymore than they feel betrayed by me and so, I know they've slipped away. It breaks my heart. It seems so surreal. To have lost two of my own flesh and blood. I don't know how to fix it and so, I text them. It's all one sided but, I do it just the same.

Wade encourages me to try and text them everyday and I think he gets frustrated with me when I tell him that I just can't. My heart can't take it and I'm sure he would get tired of seeing me a limp crying mess on a day to day basis if I did.

And so comes my fear. Travis and Tuesday. Thank the dear Lord for Travis and Tuesday. I don't know how and I'm really not sure why but, they chose to stay with me. I live in a constant fear that one day they're going to get mad at me and leave me too.

I let them get away with more than I ever have. I'm scared to correct them. I'm scared to do my job as a mother. Finally last night, Tuesday's attitude had come to a point where I needed to and should have, put my foot down. I was scared to death. Poor Wade had had enough of her treatment of him and finally voiced his frustration to me. I felt a lot of things and I got mad. Mad at him, mad at Tuesday, mad at myself for not being strong enough. My former In-Laws used to call me "The Enforcer". I used to wear that title with pride knowing that my I was doing my job. I could give my children a certain look and they'd fall into line or use my deep "I mean it" voice and I'd get the result I desired. Now, I just feel like such a failure.

I didn't sleep much last night. I spent the time beating myself up for being such a coward. Wade was upset because I just shut down. I felt horrible. I didn't know what to do. What if they leave? In the end, I decided, I have to take my chances. I'm not doing them any favors by being too scared to raise them well. I'm still scared, scared to death but, I know I have to do it.

Lessons Learned

I've learned a few things recently about being part of a blended family and others feelings. I tend to treat people as I want to be treated. I've learned the hard way lately that no matter how sweet and perfectly amiable I am, despite the fact that I have no reason to be, it really doesn't matter. Unhappy people will be unhappy with whatever is presented to them. I've also learned that jealousy brings out the worst in women.

I've learned that my happiness with my family of six here in Hemet does not cancel out the fact that I used to be a part of a different family of six in Torrance. As much as I wish my two boys were with me or even talked to me, I will never discount the fact that they are not with me. And so, you may (or may not) have noticed that I quietly changed the subtitle on this blog from, "Our New Normal" to "My New Normal".

I have recently witnessed someone "moving on" and posting pictures titled "Our Family". And while that my be true for them, it feels like a smack in the face for the one left behind to see their children as now "belonging" to someone else and they're sitting here like, "Hey, I'm still here". It just seems very rude to me. I have done it myself and I won't do it again.

Being a stay at home mom at my home in Hemet, I do a lot of work, both for my own two children who live here but also for Wade's girls who live here 50% of the time. I love this job, I've always loved this job. I'm good at this job. It brings me joy and keeps me feeling fulfilled. I can understand anothers' feeling of "she can't replace me as their mother" but, I get annoyed because, "I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, LADY!" and I would do the same thing no matter whose children resided here. I won't be one kind of mom to my biological children and a lesser mom to "your" children just to make you feel better. If you're so concerned about me doing too much for them, guess what, you work from home at a very flexible job, take some time out and be better than me, if that's how you feel!

Whew. That was a lot of commas and a lot of pent up feelings. Sorry about that and I am not going to edit that last paragraph because those are my feelings and well, this is MY blog.

I guess since this has turned into my vent post, what else do I have? Haha

I've learned that I will NEVER thank Tim (my ex-husband) for taking care of our children or having them stay at his house when they go to Torrance to visit him and their friends. I think it's demeaning. Like, now that we're divorced and I'M the mother, I obviously matter the most and you're just a part timer who was never a part of their lives.......... Oh my gosh, it's just wrong. He is still their Dad. He loves them just the same as he always has and is a part of their life and still has influence. He is not their part time babysitter who needs instructions on how to do the job he never stopped doing.

So, thank you to the person who taught me these lessons of what not to do to your ex or their partner. I am a better person because of you and I will continue to take what you give me as a lesson of how to be a better ex to Tim so he never feels the way you make the people around you feel.

Watch it, I'm armed. Well, kind of.

Yep, that's me. Don't I look tough? Haha

I had an especially frustrating day one day last week and decided I needed a destructive outlet for my anger. My friends encouraged me to exercise or clean something. I knew that wasn't going to do it. I needed something more. So, I asked Wade to teach me to shoot.

Wade took Travis and I out to this out of the way canyon where people go to shoot. It was cool because there are just a bunch of little individual canyons that you use as your personal range. We brought our own target and enough ammo to make me feel better. Haha.

Let me just say, Wade's work gun is ridiculously heavy and big! I will admit to being nervous about shooting it but once I did, it was fun.  With every shot, I felt more and more comfortable with the weapon in my hand. Now, here's fun funny/sad part. See my sunglasses? Not my regular glasses? So, Toni shoots at the target, Toni can't even tell if she hit anything. LOL!!  I guess I didn't really care. I just knew I needed to shoot something. Wade said I did ok.

I am looking forward to our next time.

First Day of School in Hemet

Tuesday Alexis

The kids stared school yesterday. Tuesday at Rancho Viejo and Travis at Tahquitz.

Travis has a lot of work ahead of him. He needs to make up some credits and will have to attend night school to do so. He seems eager to accomplish this task and I have hope that he can get the job done. The staff at the school seem very friendly. His counselor's name is Mr Biber (said, BY-ber). I had to fight myself the entire time I was there not to call him Mr Bieber (like Justin BEE-ber). The school nurse is really nice. She seems to "get" him. I like that a lot. So far, he seems ok there. I know he wasn't happy about starting over but, at least he finds some entertainment.

Tuesday had a rough first day of school. The kids are not the asian and rich white kids she's used to and after the first day she didn't want to go back. Thankfully the second day was much better and she made a couple of friends. Wade and I are so thankful she came home smiling. We are definitely considering putting her in Rylee's school next year. I believe it's more suited to her level of academics and Wade likes it for the nerdy boys that will be too afraid to talk to her. Haha. Gotta love that.

It looks like, so far so good here as far as school goes. Now if only this bad cold will work its way through our family and leave us alone, we'll be good.

Home.........

We're here!

Let me just say, that is the last time I am moving. It sucked! Not just because moving sucks in general but because, it rained all day while doing so. Ugh!

My wonderful brother, Brad came to help us move out of Torrance. Super thankful to him because he braved the rain and the spiders (he hates both) to be there for us.

Tuesday hard at work.

When Wade and I rented the truck we knew we had until Monday to return it. The problem being that Wade had to work on Monday and the truck needed to be returned by him at 9:30am Monday morning. So, we made the decision to try and load, drive, unload, and return all in one day. We rushed and made it just in time to make that deadline. Sooooo tired by the end of the day though.

Assembling the bunk bed in the kids room

Assembling the bunk bed almost didn't happen. We misplaced the hardware to the bed. Frustration escalated but in the end, the hardware was found and Wade and Travis got the bed together with no problems. Tuesday spent the rest of the afternoon putting her part of the room together. Travis and Tuesday have much more room than they've ever been used to. That's very nice for them.

Tuesday and Rylee

This is how I found Tuesday and Rylee the next morning. Haha. I love how well they get along and how lucky Tuesday is to finally have a girl to live with.

All in all, the move went well. There is still a lot of stuff to go through and put away. I'm not looking forward to that but, it'll get done.

I love my new home and the people I share it with.

Taking This Show On The Road

I took these pictures one day on my way to Wade's House.......

......My house.

Travis, Tuesday, and I are moving to Hemet. I am excited and the kids are resigned. Haha. They're fine. They both knew it was coming, they just didn't know when. We will be leaving Torrance on the 26th.

Here is our house:

It's beautiful. Travis and Tuesday will still be sharing a room but, there is a loft that all the kids will share as a common area. That's where they hang out now when we visit. Daisy is coming too. She will have a big backyard again and a swimming pool to be thrown into during the hot summer.

I'm not looking forward to packing. I hate packing. I am never moving again after this. You hear that, Wade Lenton? Haha.

Christmas 2012

Christmas has come and gone now and we have a fantastic time.

Christmas started off with Tamale Day on Saturday. Wade and his girls had never made tamales before and so both Rylee and Emma made one and poor Wade was forced to stand in the assembly as a spreader. Haha. Thankfully for him he had his equally inexperienced comedy relief in Keith next to him. With all the help we had this year, the tamale making portion of the day went by fast.

We took the girls to our very large mall in preparation for the next day's trip to the "sMall" (more on that later). I think my favorite store beyond obvious reasons was the Coach store. Wade had fun handing small items to the girls and asking them to guess the cost. The look on their faces was fun. Travis was appalled to say the least and pointed out that he could buy so many Chick-fil-A sandwiches with the money it would take to buy the purse I want. Haha. I made sure he knew he was going to be a terrible boyfriend one day. He's completely ok with that.

My very good friend and coworker, Robert came over and took this picture of us. Our first Christmas as a blended family. I love the group we have and how we all get along. Great picture. Great Family.

We went to Wade's Aunt Jackie and Uncle Joe's house for dinner. Let me just tell you, Uncle Joe makes amazing spaghetti sauce. Wade and I had a good time. It's interesting being part of a new family. Granted, I know this family but, when it changes from being best friends with one of the girls to starting a life with one of the cousins, it makes the dynamic a little different.

***Wow, time has really gotten away from me. I should have finished this post a long time ago.***

Christmas and Christmas Eve were so very nice and I am so looking forward for a lot more to come.

Wade and Emma playing with the Barbie Mom and Dad gave her.

Christmas Eve morning opening presents with Emma and Rylee

Emma Wade

Rylee Bay, winner of the Ebersole-Lenton Christmas Olympics

Tuesday and I on Christmas morning

Daisy in her new sweater from Grama Sue

My little Badass, Travis