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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Paralyzed By Fear

It's beyond anything I have ever felt before. I can bet big money, no one would ever guess what scares me the most. Spiders? No. The Dark? No. Nothing so easy. I'm scared to parent my two children that live with me. Sad, right? I'm crying right now just thinking of it.

Back when Tyler and Trevor decided they no longer wanted to be a part of my life, I lost two people I never thought would leave me behind. And they have. I text them as often as my heart will allow me to. I try and respect their wishes and keep away. I don't want to alienate them anymore than they feel betrayed by me and so, I know they've slipped away. It breaks my heart. It seems so surreal. To have lost two of my own flesh and blood. I don't know how to fix it and so, I text them. It's all one sided but, I do it just the same.

Wade encourages me to try and text them everyday and I think he gets frustrated with me when I tell him that I just can't. My heart can't take it and I'm sure he would get tired of seeing me a limp crying mess on a day to day basis if I did.

And so comes my fear. Travis and Tuesday. Thank the dear Lord for Travis and Tuesday. I don't know how and I'm really not sure why but, they chose to stay with me. I live in a constant fear that one day they're going to get mad at me and leave me too.

I let them get away with more than I ever have. I'm scared to correct them. I'm scared to do my job as a mother. Finally last night, Tuesday's attitude had come to a point where I needed to and should have, put my foot down. I was scared to death. Poor Wade had had enough of her treatment of him and finally voiced his frustration to me. I felt a lot of things and I got mad. Mad at him, mad at Tuesday, mad at myself for not being strong enough. My former In-Laws used to call me "The Enforcer". I used to wear that title with pride knowing that my I was doing my job. I could give my children a certain look and they'd fall into line or use my deep "I mean it" voice and I'd get the result I desired. Now, I just feel like such a failure.

I didn't sleep much last night. I spent the time beating myself up for being such a coward. Wade was upset because I just shut down. I felt horrible. I didn't know what to do. What if they leave? In the end, I decided, I have to take my chances. I'm not doing them any favors by being too scared to raise them well. I'm still scared, scared to death but, I know I have to do it.

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