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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The New Mrs. Lenton

We Eloped!

It was perfect and what made us happy. Neither Wade nor I are "center of attention" kind of people and the thought of a wedding where excess amounts of attention and personal congratulations would be lavished on us.......well, it's not our favorite. We understand that there are some who may feel slighted or disappointed by our decision but, it's our life and our wedding and it is what it is.

They didn't allow us personal cameras in the little chapel. However, our package came with some photos. It was an agonizing photo shoot and I can't wait to see what equates to Prom poses. So not for public consumption.

We took the kids to Bubba Gumps for "Linner". It was good. We were all tired but so hungry too.

Me and my Dolly

I can't even begin to tell you how happy it makes me that these four get along so well. Poor Travis, every once in awhile he comments, "I went from living with three boys to living with three girls". But, look at them. Tuesday loves herself and taking pictures is her favorite. I find pictures of them like this from time to time. This one makes me happy and look at Emma's face. Haha

Before Bubba Gumps, we took the kids to the Coca Cola store and did the Coke's From Around The World tasting. It's fun, they give you about 20 different samples. Italy's contribution was the grossest of them all and the only one that Tuesday couldn't bring herself to try.

And that's that. It was a one day adventure and we all had a great time. I am the LAST Mrs. Wade Lenton and I am so happy.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Paralyzed By Fear

It's beyond anything I have ever felt before. I can bet big money, no one would ever guess what scares me the most. Spiders? No. The Dark? No. Nothing so easy. I'm scared to parent my two children that live with me. Sad, right? I'm crying right now just thinking of it.

Back when Tyler and Trevor decided they no longer wanted to be a part of my life, I lost two people I never thought would leave me behind. And they have. I text them as often as my heart will allow me to. I try and respect their wishes and keep away. I don't want to alienate them anymore than they feel betrayed by me and so, I know they've slipped away. It breaks my heart. It seems so surreal. To have lost two of my own flesh and blood. I don't know how to fix it and so, I text them. It's all one sided but, I do it just the same.

Wade encourages me to try and text them everyday and I think he gets frustrated with me when I tell him that I just can't. My heart can't take it and I'm sure he would get tired of seeing me a limp crying mess on a day to day basis if I did.

And so comes my fear. Travis and Tuesday. Thank the dear Lord for Travis and Tuesday. I don't know how and I'm really not sure why but, they chose to stay with me. I live in a constant fear that one day they're going to get mad at me and leave me too.

I let them get away with more than I ever have. I'm scared to correct them. I'm scared to do my job as a mother. Finally last night, Tuesday's attitude had come to a point where I needed to and should have, put my foot down. I was scared to death. Poor Wade had had enough of her treatment of him and finally voiced his frustration to me. I felt a lot of things and I got mad. Mad at him, mad at Tuesday, mad at myself for not being strong enough. My former In-Laws used to call me "The Enforcer". I used to wear that title with pride knowing that my I was doing my job. I could give my children a certain look and they'd fall into line or use my deep "I mean it" voice and I'd get the result I desired. Now, I just feel like such a failure.

I didn't sleep much last night. I spent the time beating myself up for being such a coward. Wade was upset because I just shut down. I felt horrible. I didn't know what to do. What if they leave? In the end, I decided, I have to take my chances. I'm not doing them any favors by being too scared to raise them well. I'm still scared, scared to death but, I know I have to do it.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Lessons Learned

I've learned a few things recently about being part of a blended family and others feelings. I tend to treat people as I want to be treated. I've learned the hard way lately that no matter how sweet and perfectly amiable I am, despite the fact that I have no reason to be, it really doesn't matter. Unhappy people will be unhappy with whatever is presented to them. I've also learned that jealousy brings out the worst in women.

I've learned that my happiness with my family of six here in Hemet does not cancel out the fact that I used to be a part of a different family of six in Torrance. As much as I wish my two boys were with me or even talked to me, I will never discount the fact that they are not with me. And so, you may (or may not) have noticed that I quietly changed the subtitle on this blog from, "Our New Normal" to "My New Normal".

I have recently witnessed someone "moving on" and posting pictures titled "Our Family". And while that my be true for them, it feels like a smack in the face for the one left behind to see their children as now "belonging" to someone else and they're sitting here like, "Hey, I'm still here". It just seems very rude to me. I have done it myself and I won't do it again.

Being a stay at home mom at my home in Hemet, I do a lot of work, both for my own two children who live here but also for Wade's girls who live here 50% of the time. I love this job, I've always loved this job. I'm good at this job. It brings me joy and keeps me feeling fulfilled. I can understand anothers' feeling of "she can't replace me as their mother" but, I get annoyed because, "I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, LADY!" and I would do the same thing no matter whose children resided here. I won't be one kind of mom to my biological children and a lesser mom to "your" children just to make you feel better. If you're so concerned about me doing too much for them, guess what, you work from home at a very flexible job, take some time out and be better than me, if that's how you feel!

Whew. That was a lot of commas and a lot of pent up feelings. Sorry about that and I am not going to edit that last paragraph because those are my feelings and well, this is MY blog.

I guess since this has turned into my vent post, what else do I have? Haha

I've learned that I will NEVER thank Tim (my ex-husband) for taking care of our children or having them stay at his house when they go to Torrance to visit him and their friends. I think it's demeaning. Like, now that we're divorced and I'M the mother, I obviously matter the most and you're just a part timer who was never a part of their lives.......... Oh my gosh, it's just wrong. He is still their Dad. He loves them just the same as he always has and is a part of their life and still has influence. He is not their part time babysitter who needs instructions on how to do the job he never stopped doing.

So, thank you to the person who taught me these lessons of what not to do to your ex or their partner. I am a better person because of you and I will continue to take what you give me as a lesson of how to be a better ex to Tim so he never feels the way you make the people around you feel.