Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I feel so lost

I woke up this morning already melancholy. I started thinking. Always a huge mistake. One thing led to another and I was thinking about my son, Trevor. He graduates from 8th grade on Thursday and I won't be there. He said he didn't want me there. It was a long time ago but, he said it. I made plans for Travis and Tuesday to go, all the while remembering that he didn't want me to come. It's been almost a year since he said it and I haven't heard from him since. My mom tried to invite me to the graduation party she was throwing him and in the end, I wasn't there. I requested that she not push Trevor into having me there. I think he would have let her invite me but, it would have been to make her happy not because he really wanted me there. And in the end, my whole family was there and I wasn't.

Today, I told my ex that I was upset that I wasn't invited to the graduation and he said I did that to myself. That I had left myself out. So I said I'd see him Thursday and invited myself. Now, I dread going. You see because they don't really want me there. My presence will tarnish his memory and as much as it breaks my heart, I don't want that for him. But, now that I've said I was going to be there, I can't back out. I want my husband with me. I need my husband with me. Having him there with me will be the guarantee that my sons will not speak to me and turn their backs on me. And I am a chicken, I don't want that. My heart can't take it and yet how can I tell the man I love and share my life with that he can't come? I won't do that.

These boys used to be mine. My babies. My allies. They used to love being with me. Talking to me. Laughing with me. And now? Nothing. Tyler texted me today telling me to leave Trevor alone, that he wants nothing to do with me.

How can little boys that I raised and loved so much turn their backs on me? Why? I just don't understand. And then I remember that this wasn't their doing to begin with. They didn't start down this road on their own. They had help. Their Dad. Now, he claims to be be doing his best to get them to want to be a part of my life. I don't know who to believe or really what to do.

We have a lawyer. She's really nice and expensive. She will get Trevor back to me. But at what emotional cost? I will be dried of tears. My body refusing to produce any more and Trevor hating me for "taking him away from his dad". That's not what I want. I don't want to separate them. I just want my share. I just want my baby boy to *want* to call me, to *want* to visit me. That's all.

Wade found this quote online and pinned it to my Pinterest at some point today. I know it's pointed at me and what I'm dealing with today:

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

And so, I counter with this one:

"If God shuts a door,
stop banging on it!
Trust that
whatever is
behind it is not
meant for you"

Which one do I chose? If I go with Wade's, I go to the lawyer and fight for what's rightfully mine. My son's time. Or do I go with mine and let him go, hoping one day he will return to me? Both make sense to me. They do. Both break my heart. I don't know.

I miss my sons. That's all.

2 comments:

  1. Oh honey... I cannot imagine. When they are older they will realize...promise!! Xoxoxo

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